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We live in a culture that offers no shortage of relationship advice. Scroll through social media for a few minutes (some days just mere seconds) and you’ll find countless opinions about red flags, compatibility, chemistry, and finding “the one.” Some of those conversations are helpful. Others barely scratch the surface of what it means to build a Christ-centered relationship.
Saint Teresa of Avila invites us to begin somewhere entirely different.
Instead of asking, “Is this the right person?” she first teaches us to ask, “Am I becoming the person God is calling me to be?”
That shift changes everything.
As one of the Church’s greatest spiritual masters, Teresa understood that discernment is not primarily about decoding hidden signs from God. Rather, it is about allowing God to transform our hearts so that we become capable of recognizing His will. Long before we can discern another person’s heart, we must first let God examine our own.
Discernment Begins with Self-Knowledge
One of the recurring themes throughout The Interior Castle is that growth in prayer leads to growth in self-knowledge. The closer we draw to Christ, the more clearly we begin to see both His goodness and our own weaknesses.
Teresa famously described prayer as “nothing else than an intimate sharing between friends.” Before we can become a faithful friend or spouse to another person, we must first cultivate that friendship with Christ. It is there, in prayer, that He gently reveals the places where we still need to grow.
(photo: Public Domain)
I experienced this several years ago after making a mistake at work. Instead of admitting my fault, I found myself mentally building a case for why I wasn’t really to blame. The more I justified myself, the angrier I became.
Later that day I returned to reading The Interior Castle. Almost immediately I came across a question from St. Teresa that pierced straight through my pride:
“Can any evil be greater than the evil which we find in our own house?”
Those words stopped me in my tracks.
Instead of focusing on everyone else’s faults, Teresa redirected my attention to the one heart I could actually change—my own.
The same principle applies when discerning a relationship. It’s easy to spend our energy evaluating another person’s flaws or wondering whether they measure up to our expectations. Teresa reminds us that authentic discernment begins with humility. Before examining another person, we should first ask whether we are allowing Christ to transform us.
Look Beyond Feelings to the Fruits
Feelings matter, but they should never be the final measure of a relationship.
Teresa teaches that the source of our spiritual experiences becomes evident through the fruits they produce. What comes from God bears the fruit of humility, peace, charity, and greater faithfulness. What does not come from God often leaves behind confusion, restlessness, vanity, or self-absorption.
That offers a practical framework for dating and engagement.
Instead of asking only:
- Do I feel excited around this person?
- Do we have chemistry?
Teresa encourages deeper questions:
- Do I love God more because of this relationship?
- Am I growing in patience, humility, and charity?
- Does this relationship make it easier or harder to pursue holiness?
- Do I leave our conversations with greater peace or greater confusion?
These questions move discernment beyond emotion without dismissing emotion altogether.
A healthy relationship should help both people become saints.
Don’t Chase Extraordinary Signs
Many people approach relationship discernment hoping for dramatic confirmation from heaven.
“If this person texts me today, it’s a sign.”
“If every circumstance lines up perfectly, then I’ll know.”
Teresa would gently caution against building discernment on extraordinary signs.
Throughout her writings, she encourages Christians to walk what she calls the “plain, beaten road.” Rather than chasing emotional certainty or mystical experiences, she points us toward ordinary faithfulness: daily prayer, the sacraments, Scripture, and obedience to God’s moral law.
God can certainly provide remarkable signs when He chooses. But He ordinarily guides His children through much quieter means.
For most of us, discernment grows less through spectacular moments than through consistent prayer, honest reflection, and faithful living.
Don’t Discern Alone
One of Teresa’s strongest pieces of advice is surprisingly simple: don’t trust yourself too much.
That may sound discouraging at first, but it is actually liberating.
Teresa repeatedly insists that important spiritual matters should be brought before a wise confessor or spiritual director. The interior life can be complicated, and our emotions have a remarkable ability to convince us that what we want is automatically God’s will.
Relationships are no exception.
A trusted priest, spiritual director, mentor, or mature married couple can often recognize patterns that are difficult for us to see ourselves. Sometimes they confirm what we already suspect. Other times they lovingly challenge blind spots we would rather ignore.
For couples who are already dating or newly engaged, intentional conversations can also become part of that discernment. Tools that encourage honest discussions about faith, communication, values, and future expectations can reveal areas that might otherwise remain hidden. They don’t replace prayer or spiritual direction, but they can complement them by fostering the openness and honesty that Teresa valued.
Discernment flourishes within the wisdom of the Church—not in isolation.
Friendship Comes Before Romance
One aspect of Teresa’s spirituality that feels especially relevant today is her understanding of friendship.
She warns against relationships built primarily upon emotional dependence or unhealthy attachment. Instead, she describes authentic friendship as something ordered toward God and the good of another person’s soul.
That vision offers a beautiful corrective in a culture that often defines love primarily by feelings.
A Christ-centered relationship should never become a world closed in upon itself. Rather, it should become a shared journey toward heaven.
That kind of friendship doesn’t happen by accident. It grows through intentional conversations, shared prayer, and a willingness to be honest about hopes, fears, strengths, and weaknesses. Discernment flourishes when couples create space for those conversations instead of assuming they’ll simply happen over time.
The best relationships help both people pray more faithfully, love more generously, and become more fully the people God created them to be.
Let God Form Your Heart
St. Teresa of Avila reminds us that discernment is less about discovering a secret blueprint for our future than about becoming the kind of person who can recognize God’s voice.
As we grow in prayer, humility, and self-knowledge, our decisions begin to change because our hearts begin to change.
That is why discernment isn’t reserved for major life decisions. It becomes a daily habit of asking:
“Lord, help me love what You love.”
For couples who are dating or engaged, discernment isn’t simply about deciding whether to get married. It’s about learning how to seek God’s will together. That’s one reason I appreciate what the Avila Catholic App is doing. By offering guided compatibility inventories, meaningful conversation starters, and a personalized roadmap rooted in the Catholic faith, it encourages couples to move beyond surface-level attraction and into the kinds of conversations that build lasting friendship. Those practical tools don’t replace prayer, the sacraments, or wise spiritual guidance, but they can help create the environment where authentic discernment can flourish.
St. Teresa spent her life helping people discover that God dwells within the soul. The closer we draw to Him, the more clearly we see ourselves, one another, and the path He is inviting us to walk.
Before asking whether you’ve found the right person, allow God to make you into the person He created you to become.
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